New Semester

I am two weeks into my second semester of nursing school. During our first week we met our clinical instructors and found out where we would be going for our clinical rotations. I found out I would be assigned to the oncology wing of one of our local hospitals. I have to say I feel a little dissociated lately. The word oncology made me say out loud, "This might be hard." But, really, I didn't feel anything. I've been going through life not feeling things, and just saying what I think is probably appropriate. Until one day I'm sitting in a lecture, and my professor is talking about deep vein thrombosis, and how you want to be careful about not rubbing the legs of patients who are at risk for it, and I am suddenly no longer in the lecture hall, but I am gently rubbing my dad's legs, trying to offer him relief because he is in so much pain, and his legs are so swollen with edema, and there's a small part of me that is thinking would it really be such a bad thing if he had a pulmonary embolism, because at least then he would die and this would all be over. So, I go from not feeling, to my eyes uncontrollably welling up with tears in the midst of a lecture on some totally innocuous subject, and I have to quickly get to the bathroom where I lock myself in a stall and have a good, ugly, snot-face cry, and pray that nobody follows me in.  

I have a lovely friend who has been along side me for about two years of school, and is in both of my clinical groups. She asked me over lunch if I was going to be okay. She is worried about me. I'm a little worried, too, frankly. I thought briefly about asking for a different assignment. But, is that the kind of person I want to be? Somebody who runs and cowers from life's challenges? There is something so perfectly orchestrated about the situation in which I find myself. I'm not shouting divine intervention here, but would this count as situational irony? Thanks, God. But, seriously, let's just say I'm living out somebody's screenplay. What would be the ultimate challenge for a girl whose dad just died from cancer? Oncology ward. What would that girl need to help her rise to meet that challenge? Here, have a friend who will be right there for you, and knows what you've just been through. So, fine, cosmic playwright. Challenge accepted. And, help appreciated. Now I get to dig a little deeper into myself and find out just what the hell I'm made of. Stay tuned for Act II.